you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
