My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
