hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize