I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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