so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
