to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just pee around me
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
