Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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