I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
