He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
