The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
I just found puke in my bra..
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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