Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
