I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
