Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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