I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Just cropdusted the office
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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