well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
