Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
