she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
