That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
