last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
