So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
