you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
