he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
