...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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