my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
