fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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