Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
