and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
