Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
