Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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