Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
