So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
