i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
