I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
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