Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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