Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
