Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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