Pants 0. Shit 1.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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