I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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