i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
