I think I won the penis lottery.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Randomize
