Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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