he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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