I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Randomize
