I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
