my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
