I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
