I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
