There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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