New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
