I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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