Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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