Ambien. No doubt about it.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Randomize