i'm signing you up for texting rehab
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
