Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
