im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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