I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize