wrigley field is MILF paradise
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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